Before becoming my grandchild's caregiver, I was the primary caregiver of both my parents, and a grandmother, in their last years. It would have been easier, had they lived in the same homes, but with the help of my daughter, we managed. Still, there were challenges, and that is putting it mildly. There were many things I lost along the way. But there were many things I gained as well. Here are some of the losses and gains that can come with enabling a loved one to remain in home and out of a hospital.
LOSSES:
My Job (and my rest):
Unfortunately in our society, like many families, our family fell through the cracks of in-home care eligibility. Senior citizens are often ineligible for full Medicaid coverage due to age and income. A social worker told me that this is because they have other options, namely Medicare. The only problem with this is that our local In-Home Health Services is a Medicaid based only service. For my mother, who suffered from the progressively debilitating disease, Huntington's Disease, the only options available to her were a state-run nursing home, or for me to quit my job and take care of her myself. In 2012, we had to make that choice and I chose to take care of my mother myself, which meant me losing my job. I had 18 months with Mom before she passed away. During this time, my grandchild moved in with us because of bullying and (unknown to us at the time) developing emotional and mental issues. Shortly before Mom passed away in March of 2014 I realized that I needed to ensure that I could support my grandchild, which would have been impossible on the limited income we would have after Mom's death, so I returned to work. By this time, I had the help of Hospice and family members, so that I could work. It meant me working the overnight shift at my outside job and then caring for Mom after work. I lost sleep, and lots of it. But I managed to learn to nap whenever I could and to sleep whenever Mom slept. Hospice also provided one week per month of respite care, which I utilized to get caught up on rest.
My Sanity:
While I was caring for my mother, my daughter was residing with and caring for my grandmother and my father. In Aug. of 2013, my grandmother had an UTI turn sepsis and passed away within a week's time afterwards. My mother followed seven months later. I struggled for over a month to maintain one home and supplement the income of the other home after both losses. This became impossible so we all ended up residing in my father's home. Three adults and two children in a three bedroom home, with an accumulation of four households of stuff. I loss my privacy. My daughter and I hit a rough patch and she ended up moving out. My oldest grandchild remained living with me and my ailing father. My grandchild's mental issues started really manifesting after the death of my mother. From Jan. 2015 to Jan 2016 she would end up requiring a total of five hospitalizations for her own protection. I didn't see this because I was also not realizing my own fragile mental and emotional stability. In the beginning of June 2015, I ended up switching jobs, which now required a commute of over an hour each way. By this time, we also had Hospice care for my father and he was able to take care of his own basic needs as well. However, in the middle of June, Dad's health took a turn for the worse and he ended up passing away on June 18 2015. My daughter put aside any differences she had with her mom and rushed back home to help. I managed to make it until Sept before I had my breakdown. I ended up staying in a psychiatric hospital for over a week. A struggle with a bad psychiatric reaction to medications prolonged my recovery, but I eventually started to heal. Which was a good thing because by this time we had to make the choice between 24hr home supervision or long-term residential hospitalization. So, even though I had quit my job during my breakdown and was still making my own recovery, I made the choice to take care of my grandchild.
My Car and Eventually My Home:
Here's the thing about buying a car on payments - you can get a great car when you can afford it. But if you lose your job, you lose your car. My car is currently sitting in the driveway, expired registration and canceled insurance, waiting repossession for nonpayment. My income is now $670/mo and my rent is $600/mo. Rent is paid up until June and I am uncertain what the future holds there. Because as of today, I am again a single "parent", raising two grandchildren with emotional needs. But one thing that I am certain of is that we will somehow make it. Which leads me to the gains. If you are still with me then read on, I promise it gets better.
GAINS:
The Gift of Time With Loved Ones:
I think that the biggest gift that I gained during the last 2 1/2 yrs is the time I had with my parents and grandmother. That is time that can not be replaced with any job, income, car, home, or any other "thing". And as difficult as they often were, they were good years. During the 18 months caring for Mom, I learned to smile and laugh during the hard times. She taught me all about "Sunshine and Light". Dad was a grump right up to the end. But I was always a "Daddy's Girl" and I wouldn't give up one moment of the time I had with him, grumpy or not. My grandmother was the same way, grumpy and just tired. I got to see both her and my father pass away with the peacefulness that they could not obtain in life.
Watching My Grandchild Heal at Home:
In January of this year, we were heartbroken to be told that my grandchild required long-term residential hospitalization. However, we were willing to do whatever it took to ensure this child's safety. We met with roadblock after roadblock on obtaining this care and I eventually wrote that letter to the White House, in frustration and desperation. But while multiple agencies were getting involved, as a result of that letter, I discovered that I could take care of her at home. That this could be done with professional support. I knew that it wouldn't be easy and would require a commitment from me more than even caring for my parents did. It was not a decision that I made lightly, but after watching her crisis team in action one day, I realized that it was the right decision for all of us. Since that time I have watched this child's progress with pride and hope that I didn't think would be possible just a mere 3-4 months ago. We did have one setback last week, involving minor self-harm (surface scratch type cutting) and falling behind on the home-based schooling, but we are back on track and feeling positive. Today, my grandchild and I handled a total of six buses just to get to and from a doctor's appointment. And we did okay. We know that we got this, even without a car, we can manage what needs to be done. We are starting to see signs of starting this struggle with the younger grandchild, but this time we are going into it with the lessons we have learned this past year. Hopefully, we will be able to prevent things from getting as bad this time around. Time will tell.
Insight:
This journey, especially that of being my grandchild's caregiver, has been one of constant insight and learning. I have learned that this isn't about politics, insurances, professional abilities. It is about us, here at home. It is about not relying on all those other factors to take care of this child, but relying on them to support our roles as caregiver. I have learned that we all have roles in life that some are better at than others and that an effective team works best by each of us taking the role we are best suited for. Apparently my best role is as primary caregiver. I consider myself the luckiest of all our team because while this role might be the most challenging, it is also the most rewarding. I have learned that we must be proactive in the making sure that our loved ones, especially our children, are receiving the care that they need. Waiting for help to come to you can cause even more harm. The help is there, but we must seek it. We must demand it, if need be. Regardless of the role we take on, we must be willing to make a commitment to ensure the safety and well being of those depending on us.
BOTTOM LINE:
I have lost "things", and still might lose more things. But I have gained so much more that are irreplaceable. Caregiving, whether for an elderly and dying parent, to a mentally ill grandchild, is more than just challenging. At times it is hell. But at the end of each day, to be able to go to bed knowing that your loved one has made it safely through another day, is a gift that is priceless beyond belief. I do not equate losses with sacrifices. I have sacrificed nothing that I cannot someday replace. I have gained everything that I could never reacquire.
So, if you ever ask me if it was worth it, please don't get offended if I laugh at how silly I find such a question. Worth it? All that and then some. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
A Letter FROM The President!......
An unexpected surprise in the mail today. I did not vote for this President, nor do I consider myself to be a member of his political party. But I can tell you that President Barack Obama has my gratitude for not just letting me know that my voice was heard, but for the joy and pride in my grandchild knowing that she matters - not only to us here at home, but to the President of the United States!
Dear Michelle:
Thank you for the message you sent me this past fall. I was struck by your granddaughter's story, and I asked my healthcare team to look into your family's situation. I hope that the information they provided was helpful and, more than anything, I want you to know that I'm listening.
For years, our mental health system has struggled to serve those who depend on it. And while my Administration is working hard to help increase mental health services and improve access to care through the Affordable Care Act, your daughter's experience shows we have more work to do. You're right that no mother should have to struggle to get the appropriate treatment her child needs and deserves, and I want you to know that as President--and as a father--I will keep fighting to ensure every family knows the peace of mind that comes with quality health care.
Again, thank you for your message. Please let your granddaughter know that I am rooting for her and that I admire the strength she has shown in the face of great challenges. I will keep you story in my thoughts in the days ahead.
Sincerely,
Barack Obama (signature)
Dear Michelle:
Thank you for the message you sent me this past fall. I was struck by your granddaughter's story, and I asked my healthcare team to look into your family's situation. I hope that the information they provided was helpful and, more than anything, I want you to know that I'm listening.
For years, our mental health system has struggled to serve those who depend on it. And while my Administration is working hard to help increase mental health services and improve access to care through the Affordable Care Act, your daughter's experience shows we have more work to do. You're right that no mother should have to struggle to get the appropriate treatment her child needs and deserves, and I want you to know that as President--and as a father--I will keep fighting to ensure every family knows the peace of mind that comes with quality health care.
Again, thank you for your message. Please let your granddaughter know that I am rooting for her and that I admire the strength she has shown in the face of great challenges. I will keep you story in my thoughts in the days ahead.
Sincerely,
Barack Obama (signature)
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Saying Goodbye.....
Goodbyes are never easy for any of us. They are especially difficult for a teenager who's mental health ailments includes severe separation anxiety. So, losing not just one of our support team members, but the one we dubbed our "Team Captain" has us all both saddened and nervous about the coming weeks. The thing is, he has been such a huge help to my grandchild in learning to cope and deal with that dreaded "F" word.... feelings, that we are also encouraged and hopeful about how she is going to handle this change in her treatment. Plus, she has her original primary clinician to step into the Team Captain spot now. Still, I feel like there is so much left unsaid by me. That is why this blog entry is dedicated and directed to our departing Team Captain. I hope that someday he is able to read it and know what a difference he made for us all. I won't mention anyone by name, without permission, so I will just call him "Captain", this one last day.
Well Captain, I wish that I could say that we only feel happiness in this opportunity that you have been given. You didn't go into details about your new job but you mentioned that you will be leading a new team, and I cannot imagine you doing less than excellent in such a position. But we, as humans, are often selfish people and while we really are happy for you, we are feeling sorry for ourselves.
When I reentered this journey that the kid is dealing with, I did so feeling frustrated and ready to take on anyone who stood in our way to providing the best care for her. I hadn't spoke to you but a few times so I didn't know what to expect. I didn't trust you or anyone else at that point, due to the frustration of feeling like we were fighting for her and against multiple agencies. It sure didn't feel like a cohesive team unit with one goal.
Then came the day of a complete crisis outburst. Yeah, you know what day I am talking about.... that Monday. For the first time ever, I felt so inadequate to be able to help this child. If you, or anyone else, said that she needed to be hospitalized at that moment, I would have signed whatever papers were necessary because I didn't believe that I was capable of providing the care she needed at home. But something great happened that day. I got to see you in action. I watched you deescalate the situation, not once but twice that day. I did not feel like we were facing this alone. And for the first time, I felt the support that was available for not just this child, but for us as well. By the end of the day, with her still blessedly at home, I knew that we could do this. Not by ourselves, but by utilizing the support that you and the entire agency was ready to give at a moments notice.
Since then, I saw an entire fractured team come together. Finally, it was a multi-agency unit working towards as a single unit. You helped to give us all the confidence in our own voices. You encouraged this kid to use her voice - to speak up, to speak out, with confidence of having the support backing her. It felt so reassuring to know that walking into any group meeting, we had "back up". You and I both agreed that it would be more useful to have one person coordinating all the multiple agencies and people involved in her care. I knew immediately that I wanted you to be our "Team Captain", and everyone else in this family agreed.
When you started out with us, you stepped immediately into an angry confrontational verbal outburst from a child fed up with her life and everything happening around her. You allowed those outbursts and encouraged her to express herself so. And then, you began to help her learn to express herself in other healthier ways. You insisted on her safety when she was at risk, and acknowledged her being able to get things back (such as strings of lights) when she earned that right by staying safe and free from self-harm. You have advised, encouraged when needed and discouraged when needed as well. You never gave up on her, no matter how much verbal abuse she used to try to get you to back off. And I have watched it all so that I might learn by example.
You didn't just gain this grandmother's respect, you gained my gratitude. I was able to step into the role of guardian and care provider with more confidence and reassurance than I would have been able to without your support. And I will be able to continue that role with skills I have been learning by your example, and will continue to learn by the examples of the rest of her support team. I don't trust easily, but you earned my trust and my respect, which helped me to see my role and duties in being a part of a team.
When her original clinician came back from leave, you didn't step down but rather stepped aside so that you could both work together as co-clinicians. This prevented our child from having to choose between either of you, and you have no idea how much that was appreciated by us. We didn't know at the time that it would work out to ease this transition she is now facing with you leaving. I cannot imagine what that would have been like without your foresight. And I know that our new Team Captain is going to do just as well. But without you leading the way in my part of it, I might not have had that confidence so soon.
Goodbye "Captain", and thank you for all that you have done for us and families like ours. You make a difference and you are more appreciated than you realize.
Well Captain, I wish that I could say that we only feel happiness in this opportunity that you have been given. You didn't go into details about your new job but you mentioned that you will be leading a new team, and I cannot imagine you doing less than excellent in such a position. But we, as humans, are often selfish people and while we really are happy for you, we are feeling sorry for ourselves.
When I reentered this journey that the kid is dealing with, I did so feeling frustrated and ready to take on anyone who stood in our way to providing the best care for her. I hadn't spoke to you but a few times so I didn't know what to expect. I didn't trust you or anyone else at that point, due to the frustration of feeling like we were fighting for her and against multiple agencies. It sure didn't feel like a cohesive team unit with one goal.
Then came the day of a complete crisis outburst. Yeah, you know what day I am talking about.... that Monday. For the first time ever, I felt so inadequate to be able to help this child. If you, or anyone else, said that she needed to be hospitalized at that moment, I would have signed whatever papers were necessary because I didn't believe that I was capable of providing the care she needed at home. But something great happened that day. I got to see you in action. I watched you deescalate the situation, not once but twice that day. I did not feel like we were facing this alone. And for the first time, I felt the support that was available for not just this child, but for us as well. By the end of the day, with her still blessedly at home, I knew that we could do this. Not by ourselves, but by utilizing the support that you and the entire agency was ready to give at a moments notice.
Since then, I saw an entire fractured team come together. Finally, it was a multi-agency unit working towards as a single unit. You helped to give us all the confidence in our own voices. You encouraged this kid to use her voice - to speak up, to speak out, with confidence of having the support backing her. It felt so reassuring to know that walking into any group meeting, we had "back up". You and I both agreed that it would be more useful to have one person coordinating all the multiple agencies and people involved in her care. I knew immediately that I wanted you to be our "Team Captain", and everyone else in this family agreed.
When you started out with us, you stepped immediately into an angry confrontational verbal outburst from a child fed up with her life and everything happening around her. You allowed those outbursts and encouraged her to express herself so. And then, you began to help her learn to express herself in other healthier ways. You insisted on her safety when she was at risk, and acknowledged her being able to get things back (such as strings of lights) when she earned that right by staying safe and free from self-harm. You have advised, encouraged when needed and discouraged when needed as well. You never gave up on her, no matter how much verbal abuse she used to try to get you to back off. And I have watched it all so that I might learn by example.
You didn't just gain this grandmother's respect, you gained my gratitude. I was able to step into the role of guardian and care provider with more confidence and reassurance than I would have been able to without your support. And I will be able to continue that role with skills I have been learning by your example, and will continue to learn by the examples of the rest of her support team. I don't trust easily, but you earned my trust and my respect, which helped me to see my role and duties in being a part of a team.
When her original clinician came back from leave, you didn't step down but rather stepped aside so that you could both work together as co-clinicians. This prevented our child from having to choose between either of you, and you have no idea how much that was appreciated by us. We didn't know at the time that it would work out to ease this transition she is now facing with you leaving. I cannot imagine what that would have been like without your foresight. And I know that our new Team Captain is going to do just as well. But without you leading the way in my part of it, I might not have had that confidence so soon.
Goodbye "Captain", and thank you for all that you have done for us and families like ours. You make a difference and you are more appreciated than you realize.
Monday, February 15, 2016
How We Are Doing..and How We Can Help You Too...
We have great personal news to report...... No new episodes or changes! Things are going great just by being normal. Yup, normal highs and lows. We continue to make steady progress in getting in learning how to deal with a wide range of emotions in an appropriate manner and what many people consider "normal" expressions and coping skills. We have had moments of happiness, sadness, irritability, frustration, silliness, bitterness, disappointments, pleasant surprises, anger, and even a moment of terror that we were afraid would cause a set back. And best of all, we dealt with them all sanely, not always calmly but with no outbursts. The strands of lights get to go back up on the walls, with the thumbtacks holding them up.
How did we get to this point? Constant determination, support, love, structured routines, affirmations, reassurances, and encouragement. We refused to give up. We refused to back down. We refused to take a break. We refused to give up hope. We stayed proactive. We adapted and made changes to what emphasize what worked and get past what didn't work. We built on our individual strengths to try to be the strongest combined unit.
Are we "cured"? Have we beat these problems? Have we prevented them from ever happening again. No, not by a long shot. But we are in this for the long haul. And each month we go without a crisis, without imminent fear of self-harm is another closer to making it a year. Each year will bring us closer to achieving that dream of a long, healthy life.
So, that is where we are at today with our personal news. On a subject that is also personal to us, but involves other people - we feel like we are making a small difference in helping others. We have one mom who was encouraged to trust her instincts and simply given a single phone number to help her find the resources she believed she needed. Since then, she has discovered heartbreaking information but is able to seek the help she already knew she needed. We will continue to keep mom and family in our thoughts and prayers while she begins her own difficult journey. And we will be available to help her find whatever resources she needs, if she has any further difficulties on finding them. I doubt that she will need much help, she is a tough cookie and is already getting the help for her child that is needed.
Another mom needed help finding an agency near her to assist with a situation in her home. We helped locate the appropriate agency and looked up some laws pertaining to her situation. We were able to help her get started on getting this situation resolved in the quickest manner legally possible. That situation should be on its way to being a part of her past by the end of this month.
So, with all of this tooting our own horn, just what did we do - very little actually. But sometimes, it is the very little assistance that we need the most to get started. Both of these moms are very capable women and were able to pursue the actions that they needed to take. But both are busy moms and in the middle of dealing with issues that makes trying to figure out where to turn to get started a struggle all by itself.
Those "very little" moments of assistance is what we are able to do best. It takes just a moment of our time and it is what we want to do. It costs us nothing, and we don't charge anything for simply helping another mom (or dad someday) out. I cannot think of a single act of assistance that we would ever need to charge for. We are not professionals running a business. We are simply a family who has struggled and wants to help other families from struggling any more than necessary. That kind of assistance should never come with a price tag.
So, if you or someone you know, needs some free assistance - looking up resources in your area, writing a letter, finding local agencies, or simply someone to listen to you - send us a message. We are here for you and we will be glad to help.
How did we get to this point? Constant determination, support, love, structured routines, affirmations, reassurances, and encouragement. We refused to give up. We refused to back down. We refused to take a break. We refused to give up hope. We stayed proactive. We adapted and made changes to what emphasize what worked and get past what didn't work. We built on our individual strengths to try to be the strongest combined unit.
Are we "cured"? Have we beat these problems? Have we prevented them from ever happening again. No, not by a long shot. But we are in this for the long haul. And each month we go without a crisis, without imminent fear of self-harm is another closer to making it a year. Each year will bring us closer to achieving that dream of a long, healthy life.
So, that is where we are at today with our personal news. On a subject that is also personal to us, but involves other people - we feel like we are making a small difference in helping others. We have one mom who was encouraged to trust her instincts and simply given a single phone number to help her find the resources she believed she needed. Since then, she has discovered heartbreaking information but is able to seek the help she already knew she needed. We will continue to keep mom and family in our thoughts and prayers while she begins her own difficult journey. And we will be available to help her find whatever resources she needs, if she has any further difficulties on finding them. I doubt that she will need much help, she is a tough cookie and is already getting the help for her child that is needed.
Another mom needed help finding an agency near her to assist with a situation in her home. We helped locate the appropriate agency and looked up some laws pertaining to her situation. We were able to help her get started on getting this situation resolved in the quickest manner legally possible. That situation should be on its way to being a part of her past by the end of this month.
So, with all of this tooting our own horn, just what did we do - very little actually. But sometimes, it is the very little assistance that we need the most to get started. Both of these moms are very capable women and were able to pursue the actions that they needed to take. But both are busy moms and in the middle of dealing with issues that makes trying to figure out where to turn to get started a struggle all by itself.
Those "very little" moments of assistance is what we are able to do best. It takes just a moment of our time and it is what we want to do. It costs us nothing, and we don't charge anything for simply helping another mom (or dad someday) out. I cannot think of a single act of assistance that we would ever need to charge for. We are not professionals running a business. We are simply a family who has struggled and wants to help other families from struggling any more than necessary. That kind of assistance should never come with a price tag.
So, if you or someone you know, needs some free assistance - looking up resources in your area, writing a letter, finding local agencies, or simply someone to listen to you - send us a message. We are here for you and we will be glad to help.
Monday, February 8, 2016
This Is What We Do........
This past week we were able to help out a mother who has found herself, and her family, in an emotionally toxic home environment. Sadly, she feels that this is being caused by her own mother, the children's grandmother, who also is residing in the home and refusing to leave. The children's mom now has a court date scheduled to have this remedied and is greatly relieved to feel that there is some end to emotional harm that is happening to her children.
So what did we do to help this situation? Very little actually. We spoke further to gather as much information as we could, so that we could best help her. We discovered that she was having difficulty with finding agency numbers to contact in the area she lived in (this we discovered being due to agencies covering multiple counties). We started an immediate search into locating appropriate agencies and provided that information to her. Then, after these agencies agreed upon the most obvious course of action, we dug into the state laws and how best to proceed. We passed on all information to her, so that she could proceed to do what she needed to do for her family.
What we didn't do... we did not try to resolve matters ourselves. We are neither trained nor licensed to provide any legal, medical, or counseling assistance. But we do have some skill in online research and are able to help point people in the right direction. We don't charge any fees, we don't ask for any donations. We have the time and ability to provide simple assistance in helping families help themselves. That is what we do. That is what we look forward to doing on a larger scale. Provide simple assistance, be it looking up agency numbers, information on how to proceed legally, writing letters, lending an ear, or simply asking others for advice. Someday, we hope to have a network of other volunteers, ready to help families find the resources that they need for their children.
This is what we do.... and it felt good being able to do it.
So what did we do to help this situation? Very little actually. We spoke further to gather as much information as we could, so that we could best help her. We discovered that she was having difficulty with finding agency numbers to contact in the area she lived in (this we discovered being due to agencies covering multiple counties). We started an immediate search into locating appropriate agencies and provided that information to her. Then, after these agencies agreed upon the most obvious course of action, we dug into the state laws and how best to proceed. We passed on all information to her, so that she could proceed to do what she needed to do for her family.
What we didn't do... we did not try to resolve matters ourselves. We are neither trained nor licensed to provide any legal, medical, or counseling assistance. But we do have some skill in online research and are able to help point people in the right direction. We don't charge any fees, we don't ask for any donations. We have the time and ability to provide simple assistance in helping families help themselves. That is what we do. That is what we look forward to doing on a larger scale. Provide simple assistance, be it looking up agency numbers, information on how to proceed legally, writing letters, lending an ear, or simply asking others for advice. Someday, we hope to have a network of other volunteers, ready to help families find the resources that they need for their children.
This is what we do.... and it felt good being able to do it.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
A Cry For Help....Can You Help This Family?
An Indiana mother needs help in how to protect her children's emotional and mental well being, from their own grandmother whom is currently living in their home. There has been a long family history of abandonment (when the mother was 10 years old), previous alcoholism, and a belief of current prescription drug addiction. There have been reconciliations during the better times, and an attempt at forming relationships that were previously shattered, which is what lead to the grandmother residing in the home after years of dysfunction. Her daughter believed that her mother had changed and for the sake of her children, allowed her back into her life and tried to help her out. She realizes now that it was a mistake and for the sake of her children, her mother needs to find somewhere else to live. But her mother refuses to leave, makes threats to call Adult Protective Services on her daughter for such things as not driving 0.2 miles to get a soda pop, and snubs the older children for not "being on her side".
This is adversely affecting all four of the children in the home. But even worse, there is a teenage son in the home, who has suffered for years from emotional and mental issues. His therapist agrees that the grandmother is causing him setbacks in all of his progress and hindering future progress. This child has fought a long road of residential care and intensive therapy to reach the progress he has made, and it is threatening to become undone because of the toxic environment his grandmother is creating.
This mother doesn't know where to turn and needs our help. Current laws in many states would involve removing the children (if they are at risk) until the offending adult is removed. But how is a mother able to have an emotionally harmful person removed for her children's sake? The grandmother is 56 years old, able to care for herself, and do everything but drive (due to her previous DUI convictions). The children's mother is doing everything she can to keep the emotional environment stable for her children. But this family is being held emotionally hostage in their own home but the selfish behavior of one person who refuses to leave.
Please, if you know of any agencies the mother can turn to for help, have any advice on how to proceed in the best way for her children, or have ever faced or know someone who has faced a similar situation - please, contact me. While I am omitting this family's names and information for privacy reasons, the children's mother is more than willing to talk to anyone directly, who might be able to help her help her children.
This is adversely affecting all four of the children in the home. But even worse, there is a teenage son in the home, who has suffered for years from emotional and mental issues. His therapist agrees that the grandmother is causing him setbacks in all of his progress and hindering future progress. This child has fought a long road of residential care and intensive therapy to reach the progress he has made, and it is threatening to become undone because of the toxic environment his grandmother is creating.
This mother doesn't know where to turn and needs our help. Current laws in many states would involve removing the children (if they are at risk) until the offending adult is removed. But how is a mother able to have an emotionally harmful person removed for her children's sake? The grandmother is 56 years old, able to care for herself, and do everything but drive (due to her previous DUI convictions). The children's mother is doing everything she can to keep the emotional environment stable for her children. But this family is being held emotionally hostage in their own home but the selfish behavior of one person who refuses to leave.
Please, if you know of any agencies the mother can turn to for help, have any advice on how to proceed in the best way for her children, or have ever faced or know someone who has faced a similar situation - please, contact me. While I am omitting this family's names and information for privacy reasons, the children's mother is more than willing to talk to anyone directly, who might be able to help her help her children.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
This Week So Far (01/24/16 - 01/28/16).........
This has been a week of highs, lows and everything in between. We had to put our dog to sleep at the end of last week, so the adjustment of losing another beloved family member has been a big low point in our lives. However, it has been handled with sadness, of course, but without any crisis moments. That is huge progress for us, and one that we are very encouraged about.
Home schooling has officially started for our teen. She has a teacher come out to the house each day and give her assignments, as well as help tutor her with any areas she needs more detailed instructions. Initially, this caused me some anxiety, but only because of my nervousness over having people I don't know in my home. Still, it is needed to prevent our child from falling further behind than she already is. And it is the best thing that has happened, as far as her educational needs, in a very long time. She has a good rapport with her teacher. He is very caring and patient, but doesn't let her slack off either. A perfect balance for her. On the very same day that I was struggling to make her get motivated and get some of her assignments done, he managed to get her to complete 3-4 times the amount of work (in the same amount of time) than I had, simply by using patience while encouraging her yet with no acceptance of easing up. With his help, I can see her getting caught up on all of her credits, as she finishes out this school year in this way, as well as looking forward to eventually earning her diploma, instead of dropping out as soon as she is old enough (which had become her determined goal, much to our sadness).
We got involved in a gathering of other families, for a monthly "retreat". We are not well experienced with socializing, so a couple of us were anxious about being in a social group setting for two hours. One of the kids was very uncomfortable in the crowded kids group and either hung out with me in the adult group, or with one of her counselors in an empty office. But, by the end of the evening she too was engaging with her group. I think that we are all looking forward to the next event. I liked it so much that I found myself signing up for another group meeting for parents/guardians of elementary students in our school district.
We are also adjusting to even more new routines involving schooling and chores, and let me tell you that is typically a challenge for us all. It has been met with moments of frustration (mostly on my part), rebellion (of the normal standard of most children) and reluctant acquiescence. But, while it has been a rocky start, I can already see signs of improvement.
Like many families, this time of the month requires cooking creativity with a reduced food availability and ingredients, until we can replenish our groceries. This has been a definite "high point", as we are finding new favorite meals almost daily. I have even managed to create desserts, which hasn't been a regular feature of mealtimes in the past (but will be in the future!). We all look forward to mealtime, not just for the family togetherness we are discovering we love, but for the new budget creations.
So, what do we owe all of the positive changes to? It comes from an equal part of, on our part, being proactive, determination and commitment to our families healing - both individually and as a whole, and from the tremendous professional support that we are receiving. We have the support of multiple health agencies, State departments, and now the school as well. And I now believe that we likely have always had that support, or at least had the ability to receive it, but before it felt fractured and uneven. Now it feels like a huge multi-agency team, joining our family in providing the best course of action for our child's care.
It is wonderful to no longer feel like we are battling anyone for what is best for her, but working together to all mutually agree upon each stage of her care.
****Coming up... continual updates on our journey, as well as anything new that we find that can help other families achieve the level of support and resources that we now have****
Home schooling has officially started for our teen. She has a teacher come out to the house each day and give her assignments, as well as help tutor her with any areas she needs more detailed instructions. Initially, this caused me some anxiety, but only because of my nervousness over having people I don't know in my home. Still, it is needed to prevent our child from falling further behind than she already is. And it is the best thing that has happened, as far as her educational needs, in a very long time. She has a good rapport with her teacher. He is very caring and patient, but doesn't let her slack off either. A perfect balance for her. On the very same day that I was struggling to make her get motivated and get some of her assignments done, he managed to get her to complete 3-4 times the amount of work (in the same amount of time) than I had, simply by using patience while encouraging her yet with no acceptance of easing up. With his help, I can see her getting caught up on all of her credits, as she finishes out this school year in this way, as well as looking forward to eventually earning her diploma, instead of dropping out as soon as she is old enough (which had become her determined goal, much to our sadness).
We got involved in a gathering of other families, for a monthly "retreat". We are not well experienced with socializing, so a couple of us were anxious about being in a social group setting for two hours. One of the kids was very uncomfortable in the crowded kids group and either hung out with me in the adult group, or with one of her counselors in an empty office. But, by the end of the evening she too was engaging with her group. I think that we are all looking forward to the next event. I liked it so much that I found myself signing up for another group meeting for parents/guardians of elementary students in our school district.
We are also adjusting to even more new routines involving schooling and chores, and let me tell you that is typically a challenge for us all. It has been met with moments of frustration (mostly on my part), rebellion (of the normal standard of most children) and reluctant acquiescence. But, while it has been a rocky start, I can already see signs of improvement.
Like many families, this time of the month requires cooking creativity with a reduced food availability and ingredients, until we can replenish our groceries. This has been a definite "high point", as we are finding new favorite meals almost daily. I have even managed to create desserts, which hasn't been a regular feature of mealtimes in the past (but will be in the future!). We all look forward to mealtime, not just for the family togetherness we are discovering we love, but for the new budget creations.
So, what do we owe all of the positive changes to? It comes from an equal part of, on our part, being proactive, determination and commitment to our families healing - both individually and as a whole, and from the tremendous professional support that we are receiving. We have the support of multiple health agencies, State departments, and now the school as well. And I now believe that we likely have always had that support, or at least had the ability to receive it, but before it felt fractured and uneven. Now it feels like a huge multi-agency team, joining our family in providing the best course of action for our child's care.
It is wonderful to no longer feel like we are battling anyone for what is best for her, but working together to all mutually agree upon each stage of her care.
****Coming up... continual updates on our journey, as well as anything new that we find that can help other families achieve the level of support and resources that we now have****
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